turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
