I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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