Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What a dumb baby whore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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