i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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