he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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