Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
