I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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