i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
