His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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