LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
