A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize