My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
