i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
