i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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