sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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