No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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