I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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