when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
