In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
