Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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