dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
