I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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