Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
