if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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