Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have already put on my inside pants.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
