I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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