I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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