I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
