he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize