The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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