This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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