i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
