ugly people sure do ruin things
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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