I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
