Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
