Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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