I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize