I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
