I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
