I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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