I didn't shave. On purpose
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
