I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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