some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
