theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Randomize
