I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
