She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
