I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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