dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
