Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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