he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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