I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
