I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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