I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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