I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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