she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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