If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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