if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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