my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
