True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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