I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
