I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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