Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We are two peas in an std pod
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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