OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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