***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
