You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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