Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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