I can't watch pbs sober anymore
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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